Friday, December 25, 2009


Merry Christmas! I hope you all had a nice holiday. What is it about the holidays that brings introspection? I'm feeling a bit discombobulated today. I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe it's because I've been doing some soul searching. I've been asking myself this question: What do I want to look back on in my life and say that I never regretted? I feel like I'm trying to "find" myself. Finding oneself is a journey, not a destination. A lot of it is trial and error. I guess that's the price you pay in return for the satisfaction you receive. But more often than not, you hit a bump in the road, and sometimes fall flat on your face. One must be prepared to understand and accept that this is a part of the process, and commit to getting right back up and starting over. It's not going to be easy.
One thing that is suggested is to be forgiving and learn to let go. That's how I feel about my relationship with Mike. Nothing's the same since his accident. The past 4 1/2 years have been about dealing with the aftermath of his accident. I've been waiting for the Mike I know and love to "return" rather than being willing to accept what is. Somehow I got lost in the process. Letting go does not always mean leaving them. Letting go can also mean being with them, caring for them, but not allowing them to drain you, hurt you or not give you the ability to live your own life. My question is this, should I be trying to "find" myself at the same time I am on this cancer journey? Is it even possible?

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