Live Life Solid

Because life is short...

roll with it.

don't gossip.

say yes.

talk less.

listen more.

be patient.

love deeply.

hug your kids.

hug 'em again.

forgive.

face your fears.

have no regrets.

seize the day.

trust.

do right.

never waiver.

make memories.

good job.

now go make some more.

Live Life Solid.

Be solid in your thoughts. Solid in your actions. They define you.

This came from the Live Life Solid website (www.livelifesolid.com). I really like what they stand for. Now I'll be the first one to tell you that it's not always easy to be positive when fighting cancer but it is my goal to remain upbeat and positive. I do not have the strength to fight when there is negativity as it takes too much energy to be negative. The website states this: Live Life SOLIDTM was just a tiny spark of an idea a year ago. We were tired of the constant barrage of negativity and discouraging news that seemed to be everywhere...on television, the internet, in papers and magazines, on the radio, in daily conversations, at work, at home, standing in line at the store, driving in traffic and on and on. It grew old, it got depressing. We decided to take a step away from that negative energy. We decided to fan that tiny spark of an idea and do something positive with it! Slowly, the spark began to grow. The concept of bringing a brand to folks that spoke positively was formed. We worked and reworked our concepts, or, as we like to call them, our "solidisms" until that little spark roared! Our wish? That our positive energy apparel and gifts inspire people to think twice about their thoughts, their actions, and most importantly - their consequences. Our choices in life define us and inspire those around us more than we will ever know...

I am choosing how I want to live this life. I own this cancer! That's the statement I am making with the "buzz cut" and by fighting this out loud. World take notice--I am a survivor!

Dry, cracked and splitting

Today was a lazy day as I had a headache and napped for part of the afternoon. Later, I ventured out with the new haircut just to see how people would react. While I did get some second looks, for the most part people didn't seem to notice or care. But my head and neck were cold! I'll have to make sure I have a hat and scarf on when I go out. The newest side effect is the damage to my fingernails! Though warned, I was surprised by the effects the chemotherapy drugs are having on my nails. They say nails can become brittle, dry, discolored, develop lines or ridges, and may even fall off. This is true for both fingernails and toenails. My fingernails are dry, cracked and splitting. Nail damage is a common side of chemotherapy drugs belonging to the taxane group, like docetaxel and paclitaxel, and the anthracyclines (adriamycin, for example). Taxane groups are chemotherapy drugs that work by stopping cell division, thus stopping the growth of tumors. In 2006, a study showed that 20 to 25% of nail alterations were diagnosed as side effects of chemotherapy. Cracked and brittle nails can be a painful and debilitating side-effect of treatment making simple tasks like turning the page of a magazine excruciating.

Just as chemotherapy affects your hair because of the rapidly dividing hair follicle cells, it also affects your nails. You may see a line in the nail related to the cycle of chemotherapy. This line is not permanent and grows out with the nail, usually in about six months. There may even be multiple lines and indentations reflecting the different cycles of chemotherapy. Nails may become pigmented or discolored. They may become more brittle, so they won't grow as long as they used to and may break more easily. The area around the nail bed may become dry, and your cuticles may fray. You have to be careful to never rip or peel off the loose cuticle. Only cut it carefully with a CLEAN pair of nail scissors. The nail may actually lift off the nail bed. While this, too, is reversible, you need to be very careful, for two reasons. First, the nail is more vulnerable and may fall off. Second, because the nail is not tightly bound to the nail bed, it can become a site for bacteria to enter. Practicing excellent hygiene will avoid infection.

The GI Jane look

I absolutely could not stand my hair falling out any longer. I swear I was shedding more than the dog! It's hell to look into the mirror and see bald spots. You just can't imagine what it's like to have to clean out the drain because your hair is clogging it. Besides, it was quickly turning gray as well as being dry & brittle. So, I took matters into my own hands and asked Sam to "buzz cut" me. Here's the results! Did you know that a buzz cut is the American name for a type of haircut named after the sound of the electric razor which is used to shear the hair very closely to the scalp? I refer to it as the GI Jane look because in many countries, armed forces recruits are given buzz cuts when they enter training, originally to prevent the spread of lice. See, a bonus-no head lice!

Love to Know Hair notes that buzzed haircuts for women are a great option if you want to make a statement, are undergoing medical treatment and want to deal with hair loss on your own terms, or just want plain change. How about medical treatment and making a statement? Buzzed hair can work on anyone who chooses to wear it, and buzzed haircuts for women can be stylish and show power and confidence. I had to laugh when I saw their website which actually has this posted:

Although you may feel ready to join the head shave league, please do not take the dive into this deep water under the following circumstances:

• After a break up
• While you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs
• To rebel against your parents (take that Mom!)
• Because of peer pressure or a “dare”
• Because you want to fit in
• To make a statement while experiencing passive-aggressive emotions

I guess undergoing chemo is a legitimate reason. Bert says that the new haircut makes me look like my dad and my brother (nice self-esteem builder, huh?). Guess we can stop questioning my parentage now.

My "Soul" Urge

Since I have been wondering about my future and where it is headed, I had a mini-numerology reading. One's Soul Urge describes what you value or want most in life. My Soul Urge number is 5. With a 5 Soul Urge, the desire to have complete freedom to be in control of your affairs is paramount in your makeup. Happiness is having the latitude to go where you want to go and do what you want to do. Tasting life in an unrestrained fashion produces a sense of fulfillment. This is what I meant the other day when I wrote about riding all the carnival rides-life is to be experienced fully!

My report says that I love change. I live to experience as much as possible in the shortest amount of time possible. I appreciate the fact that life is short and are bound and determined to make the most of every minute I have on this earth. I have an inquisitive mind and a thirst for adventure that is only slaked by the collecting of unusual experiences and plenty of travel. In fact I can't think of a bigger disservice to one's soul than to give up one's right to pursue their heart's desire. I feel smothered by individuals who define love as giving up your heart and soul for another. My definition of love is more spiritually sophisticated. I believe that an expression of true love for another soul is the courage to let them go to pursue their own path. I intrinsically understand that without change there is no evolution. This is why somehow, I end up as being the catalyst for change in many situations. Sometimes the change that my very presence provokes is constructive and good and sometimes I am the culprit that causes complete chaos. However often my motivation for revealing secrets or destroying relationships is to clear out the old and create way for the new. That is so eerie, especially in light of what is happening at work!

Most interestingly, the reading says that I am also graced with an astounding amount of courage. Like water, I have the ability to wear down obstacles like water in a stream wears down a rock over a long period of time. Although I may appear unpredictable or unreliable to others I am actually a very complex individual who often harbors a clear vision of who they want to be and how they want to live in the future. I never think of myself as courageous -tenacious, yes, courageous, no.

And the tarot card says...

Today fatigue hit again but the bone pain didn't and for that I am thankful. Unfortunately, the fatigue never gives fair warning-it just hits you. Patients discussing cancer-related fatigue describe it as distressing and persistent. They express a sense of tiredness and exhaustion that is in no way proportional to their activity level. Factors associated with fatigue are the presence and severity of anxiety, pain, lower sleep quality, physical inactivity, and poor performance status. This quite often translates to little desire to either work or socialize. Well at least I'm still working (probably more than I should). But when I'm fatigued, it makes me question my purpose in life.

And today's tarot card is the Ten of Pentacles which suggests that my power lies in community. I am a success and I value my reputation. I pass on and share my status, values, knowledge and ethics by example. My work here is done and I am ready to take it to the next level. I am empowered by reputation and my asset is social validation or standing. Overall, the Ten of Pentacles is a card of a good home life, security, prosperity, and happiness...on the surface. Looking closer, the family appears not to notice how lucky they are, which is the deeper message of the card. The man and woman do not walk together; rather, they pass each other briefly as they go through their mundane motions. The people in the situation take what they have, and each other, for granted. They are so wrapped up in their daily routines that they do not take the time to acknowledge the magic and blessings around them, symbolized by the ten pentacles surrounding their home. The ten pentacles also have a deeper meaning, echoing the ten Sephiroth of the Tree of Life. This serves as a reminder to look past the trappings of the material world, and seek the blessings of the soul. Just exactly how do I seek the blessings of my soul?

Riding all the carnival rides

I had my last shot (in a series of 3) today so this round of chemo (#2) is officially finished! Keep your fingers crossed that I don't experience that debilitating bone pain again. The doctor cut the shots down to 3 from 4 in hopes of avoiding the intense pain this time. I mentioned the peripheral neuropathy and the nurse just had to point out that statistically only a very few people experience that effect. I believe I noted the % in yesterday's blog entry. So, I informed her that I have always been that kid who just had to ride all the carnival rides in order to experience the carnival to the fullest extent. Apparently, I must experience this cancer experience to the fullest extent also. No matter how small the %, I will be in that category! I used to think that was a good trait to possess as I would experience everything life had to offer. Now I'm not so sure!

I found this quiz on www.blogthings.com called What Carnival Ride Are You? My results are You Are a Ferris Wheel. Deep down, you are a fun, whimsical, and easygoing person. You often enjoy life for what it is, and the littlest changes in course can be quite thrilling. In relationships, people tend to feel what you feel. It can be liberating at first...but after a while, the people closest to you end up feeling a little trapped. Your life has perfectly normal cycles of ups and downs. However, you can't help but sometimes feel that you're missing out on the most exciting aspects of life. You only are happy when you're experiencing the highest of highs. Your low points just make you feel depressed, restless, and bored. At your best, you feel on top of the world with a great sense of perspective. You believe that anything is possible, and that you are happily looking down on everyone else. At your worst, you feel like your life is going in circles. You often feel like you're not going anywhere. This is sometimes psychologically disorienting. And sometimes it brings on a sense of hopelessness. Wow! I think the quiz might have pegged me.

Knock me down and I'll "pop" right back up

I swear the fun just never ends. I have decided that I am like one of these "punching bags" that you can knock down but I pop right back up! Every time I think I've got this cancer crap under control, something else crops up. There's just no keeping me down! I will not allow the cancer to win. Now I'm dealing with chemotherapy-induced (chemo-induced) peripheral neuropathy (CIPN). It is a set of symptoms or problems caused by damage to peripheral nerves. Peripheral nerves are nerves that control the sensations and movements of our arms and legs. Chemo-induced peripheral neuropathy is caused by the chemotherapy drugs used in cancer treatment. Because chemo goes throughout the body, it can damage many different nerves, leading to neuropathy. CIPN often affects both sides of the body the same. In most cases, symptoms of CIPN start in the feet and over time start in the hands, too. I'm already experiencing the "dropsies" so I"m afraid it's also starting in my fingers. It is sometimes called "stocking/glove distribution." I am now often awoken out of a (somewhat) sound sleep by terrible pains in the soles of my feet! I jump out of bed and literally land on my feet on the floor. As much as it hurts, it also makes the cramps ease up. I then have to "walk it off" which can take several minutes.

Neuropathy occurs in approximately 10–20% of cancer patients receiving chemotherapy. Certain chemo drugs such as the carboplatin and docetaxel that I receive are more often linked to CIPN. Sometimes the symptoms of CIPN are short-term. They go away over time after treatment is done. In other cases, it can take up to 2 years for the symptoms to totally go away, and sometimes they last much longer and need long-term treatment. Severe CIPN may never go away. Yet again, I just have to be in that small number of people who experience it. Will I ever tire of being "unique"?