Monday, August 19, 2013

Oh the uncertainty of it all

     I saw my oncologist today to get the test results from the CT scan and ultrasound.  The results were surprising.  Although there is a lymph node that is enlarged on the left side, there are actually several on the right side!  I can't feel them like I can the one on the left but apparently they are there.  Is it the cancer coming back to take the breast it was previously denied?  Or is it another type of cancer?  Or maybe nothing?  Luckily my tumor markers are not elevated.  For those of you unfamiliar with cancer terminology, tumor markers are substances that are produced by cancer or by other cells of the body in response to cancer or certain benign (noncancerous) conditions. Most tumor markers are made by normal cells as well as by cancer cells; however, they are produced at much higher levels in cancerous conditions.  So what does this mean?  They don't know!!!  It could be a simple case of a viral infection causing inflammation of the nodes or it can be a recurrence.  I am officially now in "monitoring status" meaning we keep an eye on them and hope they do not grow!  I have to see my oncologist again in a month for more poking and prodding.
     Hannah has taken a positive position on this as it has not been termed a recurrence.  I suppose that is the best way to treat it but I hate the uncertainty.  I don't know how to deal with uncertainty.  How do I "fight" this?  I knew how to fight the last lump - remove it and pump my body full of drugs meant to kill it.  But what do I do about this situation?  I suppose the answer is to go on living and doing all the things I have been doing, except maybe not so many tequila shots?  I hate living with the general feeling of uncertainty about what tomorrow will bring. Having cancer makes me more aware of uncertainties because I never expected to get cancer in the first damn place. I have found myself thinking, "If I can get cancer, then what the hell else can happen?" I try not to let this feeling of uncertainty take over my daily life but often it does.  I really don't like going to that dark place but sometimes I can't help it.
     Before I got cancer, I was under the illusion that I had things under control. Oh sure, there were job issues and bills and all that, but all in all, I was coping pretty well. And then that sense of control is shattered, and I don't think it ever really comes back. It is replaced by uncertainty in almost everything. How long will I live? Did the chemo work? What will my next scans show? Will it spread? Will it come back? It seems that almost nothing is certain, except that my life has been torn to shreds and tossed in the air like confetti.  I think most cancer patients don't ever think it's really gone. It's just hiding, waiting to jump out and scare us when we least expect it. Will I be able to resume my old life? To rebuild my battered body? I don't know.  But I do know this disease has changed me dramatically in so many ways. I am a different person. Hopefully a better person.

3 comments:

  1. HOW I GOT CURED OF HERPES VIRUS.

    Hello everyone out there, i am here to give my testimony about a herbalist called dr imoloa. i was infected with herpes simplex virus 2 in 2013, i went to many hospitals for cure but there was no solution, so i was thinking on how i can get a solution out so that my body can be okay. one day i was in the pool side browsing and thinking of where i can get a solution. i go through many website were i saw so many testimonies about dr imoloa on how he cured them. i did not believe but i decided to give him a try, i contacted him and he prepared the herpes for me which i received through DHL courier service. i took it for two weeks after then he instructed me to go for check up, after the test i was confirmed herpes negative. am so free and happy. so, if you have problem or you are infected with any disease kindly contact him on email drimolaherbalmademedicine@gmail.com. or / whatssapp --+2347081986098.
    This testimony serve as an expression of my gratitude. he also have
    herbal cure for, LUPUS DISEASE, JOINT PAIN, POLIO DISEASE, PARKINSON'S DISEASE, ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE, CYSTIC FIBROSIS, SCHIZOPHRENIA, CORNEAL ULCER, EPILEPSY, FETAL ALCOHOL SPECTRUM, LICHEN PLANUS, COLD SORE, SHINGLES, CANCER, HEPATITIS A, B. DIABETES 1/2, HIV/AIDS, CHRONIC PANCERATIC, CHLAMYDIA, ZIKA VIRUS, EMPHYSEMA, LOW SPERM COUNT, ENZYMA, COUGH, ULCER, ARTHRITIS, LEUKAEMIA, LYME DISEASE, ASTHMA, IMPOTENCE, BARENESS/INFERTILITY, WEAK ERECTION, PENIS ENLARGEMENT. AND SO ON.

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  2. Am Richard, I am here to testify about a great herbalist  man who cured my wife of breast cancer. His name is Dr Imoloa. My wife went through this pain for 3 years, i almost spent all i had, until i saw some testimonies online on how Dr. Imoloa cure them from their diseases, immediately i contacted him through. then he told me the necessary things to do before he will send  the herbal medicine. Wish he did through DHL courier service, And he instructed us on how to apply or drink the medicine for good two weeks. and to greatest surprise before the upper third week my wife was relief from all the pains, Believe me, that was how my wife was cured from breast cancer by this great man. He also have powerful herbal medicine to cure diseases like: Alzheimer's disease, parkinson's disease, vaginal cancer, epilepsy Anxiety Disorders, Autoimmune Disease, Back Pain, Back Sprain, Bipolar Disorder, Brain Tumor, Malignant, Bruxism, Bulimia, Cervical Disc Disease, Cardiovascular Disease, Neoplasms , chronic respiratory disease, mental and behavioral disorder, Cystic Fibrosis, Hypertension, Diabetes, Asthma, Autoimmune inflammatory media arthritis ed. chronic kidney disease, inflammatory joint disease, impotence, alcohol spectrum feta, dysthymic disorder, eczema, tuberculosis, chronic fatigue syndrome, constipation, inflammatory bowel disease, lupus disease, mouth ulcer, mouth cancer, body pain, fever, hepatitis ABC, syphilis, diarrhea, HIV / AIDS, Huntington's disease, back acne, chronic kidney failure, addison's disease, chronic pain, Crohn's pain, cystic fibrosis, fibromyalgia, inflammatory Bowel disease, fungal nail disease, Lyme disease, Celia disease, Lymphoma, Major depression, Malignant melanoma, Mania, Melorheostosis, Meniere's disease, Mucopolysaccharidosis, Multiple sclerosis, Muscular dystrophy, Rheumatoid arthritis. You can reach him Email Via drimolaherbalmademedicine@gmail.com / whatsapp +2347081986098

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  3. Most prostate cancers are adenocarcinomas, cancers that arise in glandular cells of the prostate’s epithelial tissue. Prostate cancers usually progress slowly and produce no symptoms in the initial stages. Eventually, the tumor may enlarge like mine use too, the prostate gland, pressing on the urethra and causing painful or frequent urination and blood in the urine. So I was so uncomfortable with this prostate cancer diseases then I decided to do online search on how to cure cancer because I well have read a lot about herbal medicine, I came across a lot of testimony how Dr Itua cure HIV/herpes then Cancer was listed below the comment.with courage I contacted Dr Itua and he sent me his herbal medicine through Courier service then I was asked to pick it up at my post office which i quickly did. I contacted Dr Itua that i have received my herbal medicine so he instructs me on how to drink it for three weeks and that is how Dr Itua Herbal Medicine cure my prostate Cancer, The treatment takes three weeks and I was cured completely. Dr Itua is a god sent and I thank him every day of my life. Contact him now On:Email:drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com/   Whatsapp:+2348149277967.
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    Dementia.Colo rectal cancer, Lottery Spell, Bladder Cancer, Skin Cancer,Ovarian Cancer,Pancreatic Cancer, HIV /Aids,Brain Tumor, Herpes, Non-Hodgkin lymphoma, Inflammatory bowel disease, Copd, Diabetes, Hepatitis  

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