Saturday, January 30, 2010

I want to be happy with just being...

I hate feeling so wiped out because its hard to even think sometimes. But when I do, I go round and round with my thoughts. I have been wondering if other women felt or thought any “different” because of their cancer treatments. I have been thinking about this a lot – about what I really want? Am I different? What are my priorities now? What do I really want? Yes, I think I am different. I am no longer interested in being a workaholic, I am no longer interested in being busy from the time I open my eyes until I close them at night… I am not interested in doing things that don’t make me happy. I am not interested in anything that doesn’t make me smile, nor am I interested in anything that causes pain… Chemotherapy has caused such pain in me that I just don’t want to be around anything that causes pain… I’ve had enough of pain. Chemotherapy has also caused a lot of anger and frustration with my life… Some of this is from the side effects of chemo. Chemo messed with my head. I had cancer treatment, not cancer.
Frustration comes from acting as if everything is ok when its not. Frustrated because many times I don't want to get out of bed. Frustrated because I am so used to being the "strong" one, and chemo makes me weak...but I keep acting like I'm "strong" because I can't seem to show my feelings about my cancer and cancer treatments outside of those especially close to me. There's no one to blame but myself. Being strong has gotten me through many a tough spot, but this is really scary and I just can't seem to share that with anyone. Chemo seems to take your fears, your frustrations and magnifies them.
Chemotherapy has been one of the toughest things that I have ever done in my life, and not one I would even wish upon my worst enemy. I am tough and I will make it. After going through all of this, I know I will do something, I'm just not sure what...I do know that I will not be content in just "surviving". I want to be creative, I want to listen, I want to laugh, I want to enjoy each day, I want to be grateful for what I have. I want to be happy with just being…

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