Blue Stars All Around (or Why I Love Roller Derby)

Tonight the 'Paign got together to enjoy some sushi and great company. I made some homemade caramels and white chocolate "blue stars" for everyone. I wanted to bring something homemade from the heart so my teammates and coach know how much they mean to me. It is always so much fun to get together outside of derby because we truly like each other. On the drive home I was thinking about how tight this team and league are and why that is. This is what I came up with:

Playing roller derby is like being part of a cult. At first, it seems innocent enough. I will get in shape! I'll meet new and interesting people! I will wear funny socks! And once roller derby has her little tenterhooks in you, that's when she starts to reel you in. Your family sees you less and less, unless you are trying to sell tickets for an upcoming bout. You work out to get stronger. Your sock drawer will no longer close. For me, roller derby is a way to just be my own person out in the world with an awesome group of women. It's athletic and a fun way to get exercise and move my body. I love that roller derby girls are tough as nails. After all, the game we play involves dashing around an oval track on roller skates, intentionally colliding into opponents and oftentimes sending them careening off the track. Bruises and other injuries are common. Roller derby can certainly be about testing one's stamina, patience, balance, strength, fortitude and overall athletic ability, but it is about so much more, from creating a common bond with others to discovering things about one's self, as well as being involved with the community.

You know your attachment to roller derby has reached the level of "love" when you've given up all forms of normal life: you no longer watch prime-time television, hell, you dumped cable because you don't have time to watch t.v. anymore. You haven't been out with your significant other in months (unless they are also involved in derby) because date night usually occurs on Friday or Saturday night, and you have derby - every weekend. A small corner of your house (or car) smells like a decomposing body, because that's where you air out your gear. You find yourself frequenting bars advertising drink specials because you need your cash to buy new knee pads. And it's why your Facebook friend requests are multiplying faster than a communicable disease.

There is an instant kinship among derby folks. That's not to say all of us are lovey-dovey with each other (although I do love you all), or even that we all get along all the time. There is certainly some "trash-talking" between teams and individual skaters but nothing serious. There is a camaraderie among the derby world, even when we are each others opponents. I suppose derby is unique in this aspect, and much of it stems from the fact that the roller derby resurgence began just as much, or more, as a cultural scene as an athletic one.

And we offer up this support system because we all recognize how unique the roller derby experience is. This is an exclusive club: not one of those douchey clubs where the people inside are wearing sunglasses, talking crap on everyone who walks in that they don't know and only drink imported beer. This club is exclusive because there is a true obsession reverberating through us all: WE LOVE ROLLER DERBY!

I (HEART) THE 'PAIGN

Reconnection

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."

- C. S. Lewis


The Thanksgiving theme continues. Today's tarot card was again the Nine of Cups, which was appropriate, as I was still feeling quite satisfied and content. It has been a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. And as you can see, I was again wearing my Elf hat and decorating the Christmas Tree. [And those ornaments are all for sale] Today was a day of reconnection. I ran into a former colleague (from ~12 years ago) and it was great to have a chance to reconnect. Then later this evening, I ran into another former colleague and got to catch up with her, too. Plus, my mother came down for Thanksgiving and spent the last 3 days helping out at Community Green, which was fun.

And as a reminder to leave nothing unsaid, my childhood chum, Debbie, reminded me of an essay I wrote in elementary school. We were asked to write about the person we admired most and I chose Debbie. I gave that essay to Debbie once the teacher returned it. Debbie confided that if she felt down she would read it and it would give her a much needed boost as she got to see herself through someone else's eyes. Now, I don't remember what I wrote but I do remember that Debbie was a good friend and she, along with her grandparents, mom and brothers always treated me like family. They often took me on vacation with them which was the only time I got to go on vacation because my family certainly couldn't afford it. They only asked that I bring souvenir money as they covered the rest. I never forgot their generosity and always did the same whenever we invited one of Hannah's friends along on vacation. I am pleased that I gave her that essay and that she re-read it when she needed it most. I am grateful that she shared that memory with me as it made me feel really, really good. I smiled at the thought of my younger self being so kind hearted. But then again, my friends have always been extremely important to me.

So a great big thanks to Debbie for sharing the memory and much love to all my friends, who help make life worth living!

XXOOXXOOXX

The Nine of Cups

If any of you saw my Facebook status earlier today, you know that I was at Community Green, wearing an Elf Hat and playing Christmas Carols on the radio. I think I was even singing at one point! Since I was feeling especially cheery, I thought I'd see what today's tarot card was. As it happens, it was the Nine of Cups. One of the most positive and uplifting cards of the entire deck, the Nine of Cups shows satisfaction on all levels - emotional, physical, sensual. It is little wonder that most Tarot readers refer to this as the Wish Card, and its appearance is often taken as a sign that, whatever your heart's desire is, it shall be granted in the coming days. It may not be granted exactly as you expected but you can rest assured that you will get what you want. The Nine of Cups usually refers to an emotionally fulfilling situation. It shows that joy and happiness are certainly within your grasp, and that you probably already have them. It is a sign to enjoy the abundance of life for as long as it lasts. Feel each of your emotions as if you had never felt any of them before. Take some time to value every person you love - and all those who love you back. See the perfection all around you.

On a more physical level, this card signals delight and pleasure, contentment with what you have and a steady foundation for the future. Your worries are all in the past, and you can look forward to a bright future. The Nine of Cups shows excellent health, though when badly dignified it can often point to an overabundance of physical pleasure that can lead to intoxication and illness. But this is really the only caution of the Nine of Cups: enjoy life and enjoy living but don't take it too far, because pleasure without regard to the consequences is rapidly lost. It is rare that the Nine of Cups refers to a sense of spiritual bliss, since the cards of the spirit are the Swords. But with the Swords suit so full of strife and danger, the Nine of Cups would look out of place anywhere else but in the Cups suit. And if you think about it this makes sense, because when the pleasure and contentment of the physical plane is transferred to the spiritual level, it becomes inner peace and harmony with the Universe. The Universe is, after all, the source of all the love and pleasure that flows through the Nine of Cups into our lives. It only makes sense that we can sometimes follow that river to its source.

The Nine of Cups card further suggests that my power today lies in satisfaction. I have the self-respect, space or esteem that I need to "bartend" my resources or to live large emotionally. I am confident in and gratified by expressing what is close to my heart or in sharing my happiness like a buffet of joy. I take pleasure and pride in the new order I have created by clean sweeping emotional clutter or in honoring what has meaning. I am empowered by recognition and my gift is contentment. It's been a while since I felt content.

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. It's been a lazy day. I have lounged around in my pj's all day, watching the Arrested Development marathon on IFC and eating too much! And what's this about stores opening up even earlier for Black Friday? A 5am opening isn't good enough anymore? I abhor Black Friday and all its craziness. Luckily, I have to work at Community Green tomorrow. As a matter of fact, that's where I've done most of my Christmas shopping. We get some nice things at the shop!

Thanksgiving is one day set aside for giving thanks, but researchers are finding that a daily dose of gratitude promotes health, happiness and social relationships. Researchers are finding that gratitude is a key element of human well-being. It’s getting increasing attention from psychologists, especially those within the growing movement known as positive psychology, which studies well-being. They are finding that grateful people are optimistic and energetic and deal better with stress and illness. Cultivating an “attitude of gratitude” has been linked to better health, sounder sleep, less anxiety and depression, higher long-term satisfaction with life and kinder behavior toward others. Gratitude, in short, can make you happier. Socially, gratitude builds connections.

One way to "practice" gratitude is to start with "gratitude lite". Keep a journal listing five things for which you felt grateful, like a friend’s generosity, something you learned, a sunset you enjoyed. Just one sentence for each of the five things — and done only once a week. So what am I thankful for? Two years ago at this time, I had just started chemo, having recovered from surgery. Today, I’m truly blessed to be in good health. I’m thankful for all of my family and friends who supported me through these past two years. And I’m so fortunate to have my derby family —my team, league-mates, coaches and refs, who were all there for me during that trying time.

When all else fails, remember the Monty Python mantra of the Black Plague victim: “I’m not dead.” It’s all a matter of perspective.

Breast Cancer Is Not A Pink Ribbon

SCARS

Scars all over my body
To remind me of my battles

Scars all over my mind
To remember all the trauma

Scars all over my heart
To feel the losses

Scars all over
Healing along the way
But never disappearing.

--Rachel Baumgartner

My esteemed teammate, Polly Nator sent me a link about The SCAR Project. {Thanks so much, Polly.} Feel free to follow the link to be better informed. The SCAR Project is a series of large-scale portraits of young breast cancer survivors shot by fashion photographer David Jay. Primarily an awareness raising campaign, The SCAR Project puts a raw, unflinching face on early onset breast cancer while paying tribute to the courage and spirit of so many brave young women.

Dedicated to the more than 10,000 women under the age of 40 who will be diagnosed this year alone, The SCAR Project is an exercise in awareness, hope, reflection and healing. The mission is three-fold: raise public consciousness of early-onset breast cancer, raise funds for breast cancer research/outreach programs and help young survivors see their scars, faces, figures and experiences through a new, honest and ultimately empowering lens.

Breast cancer is the leading cause of cancer deaths in young women ages 15-40. The SCAR Project participants range from ages 18 to 35, and represent this often overlooked group of young women living with breast cancer. They journey from across America – and the world – to be photographed for The SCAR Project. Nearly 100 so far. The youngest being 18 years old.

Although Jay began shooting The SCAR Project primarily as an awareness raising campaign, he was not prepared for something much more immediate . . . and beautiful: “For these young women, having their portrait taken seems to represent their personal victory over this terrifying disease. It helps them reclaim their femininity, their sexuality, identity and power after having been robbed of such an important part of it. Through these simple pictures, they seem to gain some acceptance of what has happened to them and the strength to move forward with pride."

I agree with Jay's statement above because my scar is my badge of courage. I have fought that battle and won! My scar is a part of me. I even made reference to it in my poem I Lost/I Found. The gallery of pictures is a powerful reminder of breast cancer's aftermath. It evokes a myriad of feelings within me that is hard to put into words. The pictures intrigue me as true courage and victory shines through. I personally have a long scar but it is rather light (a testament to the fine job my surgeon, Dr. Haynes, did). I also have a "breast mound" [affectionately dubbed "The Boobette"] that remains in case I ever choose reconstruction. My life does not revolve around the scar tissue. My scar is neither repulsive nor pleasing -- it just is.

Nothing left unsaid

This is a picture I took at Hannah's senior photo shoot. She chose 3 locations: Trevett/Finch park (that awesome tree on the corner of Prospect & University), Kaufmann Lake (where this picture was taken) and the Boneyard Creek basin. She invited me and her Aunt Bert to tag along. {I certainly never invited my mother along, nor would I have even considered it!} I guess it means that as much as I embarrass her, I don't. And it was incredibly important to me to have been a part of it. Amy Scott from RAARS PhotographY was the photographer. I'm looking forward to seeing the proofs as she is an awesome photographer. Amy deserves special thanks for allowing me to "interfere" and do a photo chronicle of her photo session.

I was reading the VOICES column in today's News-Gazette, authored by Tim Sinclair. He describes an anticipated reunion between a father and a long-lost daughter that didn't happen because of a 3-hour flight delay. The daughter's flight landed in Champaign 48 minutes after her father passed away. Tim believes that they will eventually reconnect, in heaven. This story serves as a reminder to make sure nothing is left unsaid. So, if I'm yelling "I love you" across a crowded bar, it doesn't just mean that I had too much to drink, it means I want you to know how much I care. Or if I message you on Facebook to tell you I miss you, it means I need you to know that you are important to me (I don't allow douche bags in my life, so you must be pretty special). If I tag along on your senior photo shoot (I was invited after all), it's because you are the most important person in my life, although you may not always believe that.

I'm having a hard time believing that my baby is about to turn 18 and graduate from high school. Actually, her high school graduation is the first milestone I set for myself when I learned I had breast cancer so it will be bittersweet. I'll be happy to see her graduation day but sad to see her all grown up. I just don't think I'm ready to face the "empty nest" syndrome. And speaking of Hannah, she too, has a blog. Feel free to visit her blog at
http://hannah-loseyourself.blogspot.com/.

All the right things

I know that I've spent a great deal of time bitchin' about all the insensitive jerks you have to deal with when diagnosed with cancer. And since my sister always likes to remind me to be grateful for what I do have, I would be remiss if I didn't recognize all of you who said or did the right thing at the right time. While there were many, these stand out most in my mind, but in no particular order:

• My friend Karen, who, when I complained about all those people saying how brave I was, told me that you never know how strong you are until you have to be. I realized that what others viewed as bravery, I saw as necessity.
• My colleague, Mike, who said upon learning my diagnosis, "Cancer doesn't know who it's messing with". He made me smile at a time I wanted to cry.
• My friend, Steve, who was always willing to listen to my crazy ramblings and fears.
  
• My friend, Deb, who simply said, "I'm here for you". I never felt so loved.
  
• My sister-in-survivorship and leaguemate Coffey Break-Her, who immediately recognized me as a survivor and has been right there with me since day 1 in roller derby.
• My leaguemate, Ghirley Manson, who told me to "Put on your big girl panties and skate". It was the best piece of advice I have ever been given! [much love to Ghirley]
  
• Coach La, who always seemed to know when I needed those words of encouragement.
• The 'Paign and Coach RAH for always having my back. It's like having my own personal, cancer-fighting army. I love you all and could never have gotten through this without each and every one of you. Go 'Paign!
  
• My friend Mary Vita, who, when I had hardly any hair, said, "Let's go to lunch". She didn't care what others thought.
• My daughter, Hannah, by whom I set those milestones to meet: her high school graduation, her college graduation, her wedding, meeting my future grandchildren...She's always believed that I would survive this battle.
• My sister, Bert, who said, "Do what you have to do to get better; take all the time you need".
• My mother, who was always here with me through those trying chemo days.
  
• My co-workers at A Woman's Fund, who held down the fort when I couldn't.
• The most awesomest roller derby league, the Twin City Derby Girls. You never let me wallow in self-pity and certainly never treated me like a cancer patient. You all saved my life by letting me be a part of something so great!

As I started to think about all the wonderful people in my life, I realized that I do have a lot to be grateful for. And if I missed anyone, I apologize, I'm old and suffer from CRS {Can't Remember Shit}. Hugs and kisses to you all.