Obsessing About Death

I'm feeling a little out of sorts tonight. Ever since I learned of my ex-husband's passing, I've been contemplating death a lot. (I'm pretty obsessed with it anyway and Paul's death certainly didn't lessen that obsession!) So I wonder, why do some terminally ill patients furiously fight to live even in the face of poor survival odds, trading whatever quality of time they may have left for painful or even risky treatments that have a high probability of failure? And why do others view death as a very gentle and normal life process? I suppose the answers are as numerous as the individual patients themselves. Researchers say that a person’s age, religious belief and life experiences all contribute to how well that patient copes with a terminal diagnosis and can even determine the will to survive. Knowing how freaked out people get when I talk or write about death, I recognize that we live in a culture where nobody talks about dying, so patients have a sense that the reason nurses and doctors won’t talk about it is that dying must be too horrible to even think about. Am I determined to try to live no matter how terrible my suffering may become? Abso-fu**ing-lutely! I will not go quietly into that goodnight!!! It is about surviving.

Leaving my family and friends with positive memories of how I conducted my battle against breast cancer is a big concern. At times during my treatment, I was in pain and fairly sure I was dying. All my life I’ve tried to protect my family from harm. I found it more painful for me to watch them watch me than the actual pain I felt from treatment. Should I lose this battle, I want them to remember me as a fighter, not a quitter. That is exactly why roller derby entered my life. I wasn't ready to give up and I had to find a way to make myself stronger. Having cancer has given me courage and freedom to speak my mind; I don’t mince words. If I feel something, I say it because I might not get a second chance to say what I need to say. If I die tomorrow, I hope I’m not leaving anything unsaid or undone.

Last week I wrote "I hope to be a whole person, one who loves, accepts, serves, rejoices and opens up to others honestly and without hesitation. Then I might be someone worth knowing. That will be a life well-lived. That's really all I want." Despite my cancer, I consider myself lucky. I think I've lived a good life—the best I know how. But I am not ready for that final journey. And as the 2012 roller derby season is set to begin, I will remain strong and continue to beat cancer!

Blue Stars All Around (or Why I Love Roller Derby)

Tonight the 'Paign got together to enjoy some sushi and great company. I made some homemade caramels and white chocolate "blue stars" for everyone. I wanted to bring something homemade from the heart so my teammates and coach know how much they mean to me. It is always so much fun to get together outside of derby because we truly like each other. On the drive home I was thinking about how tight this team and league are and why that is. This is what I came up with:

Playing roller derby is like being part of a cult. At first, it seems innocent enough. I will get in shape! I'll meet new and interesting people! I will wear funny socks! And once roller derby has her little tenterhooks in you, that's when she starts to reel you in. Your family sees you less and less, unless you are trying to sell tickets for an upcoming bout. You work out to get stronger. Your sock drawer will no longer close. For me, roller derby is a way to just be my own person out in the world with an awesome group of women. It's athletic and a fun way to get exercise and move my body. I love that roller derby girls are tough as nails. After all, the game we play involves dashing around an oval track on roller skates, intentionally colliding into opponents and oftentimes sending them careening off the track. Bruises and other injuries are common. Roller derby can certainly be about testing one's stamina, patience, balance, strength, fortitude and overall athletic ability, but it is about so much more, from creating a common bond with others to discovering things about one's self, as well as being involved with the community.

You know your attachment to roller derby has reached the level of "love" when you've given up all forms of normal life: you no longer watch prime-time television, hell, you dumped cable because you don't have time to watch t.v. anymore. You haven't been out with your significant other in months (unless they are also involved in derby) because date night usually occurs on Friday or Saturday night, and you have derby - every weekend. A small corner of your house (or car) smells like a decomposing body, because that's where you air out your gear. You find yourself frequenting bars advertising drink specials because you need your cash to buy new knee pads. And it's why your Facebook friend requests are multiplying faster than a communicable disease.

There is an instant kinship among derby folks. That's not to say all of us are lovey-dovey with each other (although I do love you all), or even that we all get along all the time. There is certainly some "trash-talking" between teams and individual skaters but nothing serious. There is a camaraderie among the derby world, even when we are each others opponents. I suppose derby is unique in this aspect, and much of it stems from the fact that the roller derby resurgence began just as much, or more, as a cultural scene as an athletic one.

And we offer up this support system because we all recognize how unique the roller derby experience is. This is an exclusive club: not one of those douchey clubs where the people inside are wearing sunglasses, talking crap on everyone who walks in that they don't know and only drink imported beer. This club is exclusive because there is a true obsession reverberating through us all: WE LOVE ROLLER DERBY!

I (HEART) THE 'PAIGN

All the right things

I know that I've spent a great deal of time bitchin' about all the insensitive jerks you have to deal with when diagnosed with cancer. And since my sister always likes to remind me to be grateful for what I do have, I would be remiss if I didn't recognize all of you who said or did the right thing at the right time. While there were many, these stand out most in my mind, but in no particular order:

• My friend Karen, who, when I complained about all those people saying how brave I was, told me that you never know how strong you are until you have to be. I realized that what others viewed as bravery, I saw as necessity.
• My colleague, Mike, who said upon learning my diagnosis, "Cancer doesn't know who it's messing with". He made me smile at a time I wanted to cry.
• My friend, Steve, who was always willing to listen to my crazy ramblings and fears.
  
• My friend, Deb, who simply said, "I'm here for you". I never felt so loved.
  
• My sister-in-survivorship and leaguemate Coffey Break-Her, who immediately recognized me as a survivor and has been right there with me since day 1 in roller derby.
• My leaguemate, Ghirley Manson, who told me to "Put on your big girl panties and skate". It was the best piece of advice I have ever been given! [much love to Ghirley]
  
• Coach La, who always seemed to know when I needed those words of encouragement.
• The 'Paign and Coach RAH for always having my back. It's like having my own personal, cancer-fighting army. I love you all and could never have gotten through this without each and every one of you. Go 'Paign!
  
• My friend Mary Vita, who, when I had hardly any hair, said, "Let's go to lunch". She didn't care what others thought.
• My daughter, Hannah, by whom I set those milestones to meet: her high school graduation, her college graduation, her wedding, meeting my future grandchildren...She's always believed that I would survive this battle.
• My sister, Bert, who said, "Do what you have to do to get better; take all the time you need".
• My mother, who was always here with me through those trying chemo days.
  
• My co-workers at A Woman's Fund, who held down the fort when I couldn't.
• The most awesomest roller derby league, the Twin City Derby Girls. You never let me wallow in self-pity and certainly never treated me like a cancer patient. You all saved my life by letting me be a part of something so great!

As I started to think about all the wonderful people in my life, I realized that I do have a lot to be grateful for. And if I missed anyone, I apologize, I'm old and suffer from CRS {Can't Remember Shit}. Hugs and kisses to you all.

Boob Squishing Day

Some of you might have seen my Facebook post earlier today about my mammogram. For the first time in 2 years, it was all clear! [Great big collective cheer here!] Even the spots they saw last year are gone! [Apparently the right boob does not want to become a boobette like the left one]. Perhaps the tamoxifen is working?! Tamoxifen helps prevent the original breast cancer from returning and also helps prevent the development of new cancers in the other breast. Tamoxifen (Nolvadex®) is a drug, taken orally as a tablet, which interferes with the activity of the estrogen. Estrogen can promote the development of cancer in the breast. Since I recently passed my 2 year cancerversary, my odds of recurrence have decreased slightly. Unfortunately, new research published in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute suggests that the risk of breast cancer relapse remains present even 15 years after a woman is initially diagnosed with the disease. {Damn, 2 down - 13 to go!}

And I learned this: Women with dense breasts are more likely to develop breast cancer, and their cancers may be more aggressive, recent research has found. Those who've already had breast cancer are more likely to have a recurrence if they have dense breasts. {I am so screwed}.

We know that being physically active is one of the best things you can do for your health. It helps you maintain a healthy weight and lowers your risk of heart disease, stroke and diabetes. Now, growing scientific evidence shows that it can also help lower your risk of developing or dying from breast cancer. Studies show that physical activity after a breast cancer diagnosis is associated with a lower risk of recurrence and increased chance of survival. Findings from one large study showed that breast cancer survivors who got between nine and 23 MET hours of activity a week (roughly three to nine hours of walking) had a 35 to 40 percent lower risk of recurrence compared to survivors who were less active. The largest study to date on physical activity and survival followed nearly 4,500 breast cancer survivors for more than five years. Survivors who got between three and eight MET hours (roughly one to two hours of brisk walking) of activity a week had a 40 percent lower risk of death compared to less active survivors. Women did not need to do intense exercise to get a survival benefit. Activity equal to a 30-minute brisk walk several times a week improved survival. Women who got more activity got more benefit. So, when I say Roller Derby saved my life, it really did!

Footprints on my heart

Some people come into our lives and quickly go... Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same. That's from a poem I have always liked, entitled Some People. It is so true. Tonight I spent the evening out with two friends who have definitely left their footprints on my heart. They are some of the best people I know, my friends Deb & Dawn. You see, Dawn is leaving tomorrow for California, embarking on a new phase of her life. She is relocating to sunny San Diego. I am both envious and melancholy. I'm excited for her but will miss her. Deb and I hang together once in a while but we only recently had the opportunity to reconnect with Dawn. I'm so grateful that we did. It seems that no matter how long we've been apart, we just pick up where we left off. We are kindred spirits.One line from the poem says, "They celebrate the true essence of who we are...and have faith in all that we may become." I am a better person for knowing them and having fought the good fight with them (working to end domestic and sexual violence).

Another friend, my awesome 'Paign teammate, Towanda Steel, recently took off for Australia. Although I have only known Towanda, a/k/a Kelly, for about 20 months, she too left her mark on my heart. I had no idea just how much the 'Paign would come to mean to me. Kelly, along with all my 'Paign teammates, was right there with me through the roughest time of my life, my breast cancer fight. What cancer does is force you to focus, to prioritize and realize what's important. Staring death in the face taught me just how much my family and friends mean to me. I prioritized just being with them. Being around the people I love made my fight bearable as I knew that they always had my back, no matter what. At times I wanted to give up but they wouldn't let me. They saved my life.

So I hope that both Dawn and Kelly know how much I love and miss them. I will be keeping them in my thoughts through their travels and new adventures. And Dawn better believe that Deb and I are planning that vacation as San Diego is my happy place!

Exercise Can Help Keep Breast Cancer From Recurring

If you've read this blog for any amount of time you already know that roller derby saved my life. It helped me beat cancer and keeps me cancer-free. Remember the scare I had in December, thinking that the cancer had recurred? I am convinced that because roller derby is such great exercise and a fabulous stress reliever, it was benign. So, in that vein, today I have a guest blogger. His name is Tim Elliott. Tim is very passionate about maximizing cancer patient's mental and physical health and how best to cope with a potentially terminal illness. He wrote a compelling article that I think will be of great interest to you readers. Thanks, Tim!

Exercise Can Help Keep Breast Cancer From Recurring

It’s all too common for patients who are receiving cancer treatments to stay sedentary; after all treatments such as chemotherapy and radiation can literally sap your energy, and you can hardly feel like going out to exercise when you’re coping with cancer. However, new studies show that maybe that’s exactly what you should be doing. It’s been shown that working out and regular exercise can help not only improve fatigue and muscle strength and but also body composition and heart and blood vessel fitness.

Body composition in particular is important as it has been shown that women diagnosed with breast cancer live longer and have less chance of recurrence if they exercise. Obesity’s role in the recurrence of breast cancer and in increasing the death rate is becoming clearer and clearer each day. Furthermore, obesity has been linked to higher rates of cancer and recurrence even in environmental cancers such as mesothelioma.

Not only can exercise decrease the chances of cancer recurrence, people who exercise are also more likely to be diagnosed earlier. People who are more comfortable and in touch with their bodies are more likely to notice changes such as swelling or lumps, which are the symptoms of breast cancer, or trouble breathing, one of the symptoms of mesothelioma.

Of course, exercise also has the added benefit of boosting self-confidence and lowering anxiety both of which can be extremely beneficial for people who are coping with a cancer diagnosis.

It’s important to remember that if you do begin exercising, you may need to begin at a lower intensity that you are previously used to and build up more slowly than others. Also, if you are receiving radiation treatment be sure to avoid swimming pools because chlorine may irritate the skin over the treated area.

Ultimately, studies have shown that exercise can help the fight against cancer, and help keep breast cancer and other cancers from recurring.

Driving in Texas

I must admit that driving in Texas confused me. I could not get used to driving north to go south. All the one-way frontage roads make it so that you can see where you are trying to go but can't figure out how to get there! Whatever happened to square blocks, laid out on a grid? Then, as I was driving through Houston on the way home, I somehow managed to get into the Katy Toll Road lanes. That normally wouldn't have seemed odd, except that I was the only car driving on that side of the divider! I looked like a dumbass driving in the toll lanes when they don't even take tolls from 5pm - 8pm on weekdays (it was around 7pm). I found these rules for driving in Texas online:

23 Basic rules for Driving in Texas (Author unknown)

A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

Turn signals are clues as to your next move. A real Texas driver never uses them.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow".

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive body work.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your ABS kick in giving a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.

The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Texas look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the police car parked in the median.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Texas driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush hour traffic in any major Texas city.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge or Chevy logo.

Learn to swerve abruptly. Texas is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the DOT, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers reflexes and keeps them on their toes.

It is traditional in Texas to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are Gods way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junk yards and new vehicle sales.

Remember that the goal of every Texas driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

Real Texas women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup and talk on the cell phone at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Real Texas men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Queen of the Box!

Today at boot camp we did some off skates training. One of the classes was blocking off skates. We played Queen of the Box. You remember the childhood game King of the Hill? It's like that. Two people try to push each other out of the box and the one who pushes the other out, wins, which makes her "Queen of the Box". I was pretty awesome as the Reigning Queen until Coach Smack Ya Sideways decided to join in the fun. Now whatever possessed me to take on a woman who is like the Rock of Gibraltar and must have come out of the womb skating is beyond me. She nailed my ass! I went from Reigning Queen to the ugly stepsister in a matter of seconds. I don't think my left shoulder will ever be the same! We then practiced hip checks and can-openers on each other. Coach Smack later led a blocking drill where we practiced getting all up in each other's business. My practice partner took me down to that damn hard cement we've been skating on although I did manage to kick her in the coochie on the way down. But I landed on my left shoulder, making it hurt even more.

Another of the classes I attended was with Bonnie D. Stroir. She did a session on setting goals and visualization. She said that you need to write down your goals, visualize them and have faith. The funny thing was is that today's tarot card was the Star card. The Star is a card of faith, both in your own power, and in powers greater than your own. What exactly is faith? It could be said that faith is a conscious belief in an unconscious experience, of which we may not be directly aware, but of which we can still feel the effects. This definition fits both belief in a deity and belief in your own abilities. Having faith in any power will allow that power to manifest in your life. Beleiving that something will happen is as sure a way as any to make it happen. There is a lot of meditative imagery on almost all renditions of the Star, though the most interesting symbol on the Rider-Waite version of the card is the pool of water at the center of the scene. On some decks the naked woman is standing in the pool, but in the Rider-Waite version she kneels beside it. Her right foot rests on the water but does not break the surface. Once faith is placed in its power, the pool of the subconscious becomes able to support the conscious mind. The miraculous ability to walk on water is symbolically translated here into the ability to trust in another power, whether in the heavens or in yourself. Once that trust is achieved, anything is possible. All you need is something in which to place your faith. So trust in yourself, and in whatever powers you believe control the universe, to help you through difficult times. The infinite energy of the Star warms you and rejuvenates your soul, to provide the strength and the clarity of purpose you need to continue on your journey. It must mean my roller derby journey, right?!

"Oh my god, Becky, did you see her butt?!"

Ok, so I woke up this morning feeling ultra crappy. I had a ferocious sinus headache and really just wanted someone to cut my head off! At derby boot camp they have been stressing safety and pointed out that some days you just shouldn't be on the track because you are a danger to yourself and others. This was one of those days for me. I couldn't risk it, so unfortunately there wasn't much derby camp for me today. But I was able to visit with my brother, sister-in-law and niece, who live down here in Corpus Christi. If you have been keeping up with this blog, you know I frequently talk about realizing how important family (& friends) are in one's cancer journey. When it's all said and done, that's all you really have.

Boot camp has also been stressing a "program", which cuts down on injuries and helps skaters "own" the skills they are learning. We've worked a lot on muscle memory and physical fitness along with skill-building. I've learned a lot about blocking. Anyway, the title of this is really "Booty Blocking" but I heard one of the boot-campers say this in admiration of another skater's great booty blockin' butt and it sounded like a better title! When done properly, booty blocking will cause you quite a few hits to the back, hopefully drawing a penalty for your opponent or at least causing her to break her momentum. The proper posture for a booty block is to get low and wide, forcing your opponent to get as close to you as possible, but giving her no room to maneuver around you without hitting you from behind (a big no-no in derby). Knees are bent more to absorb such a hit, elbows are tucked in and forearms are resting on your upper thighs for balance. Your feet are more than shoulder width apart so as to take up as much space as possible while giving you a stable base that's not so wide that it will result in a low block penalty. Your eyes are looking over your shoulder for the hit that is inevitably coming.

The booty block is best done when you are holding the inside line to prevent a jammer from getting by you and/or your teammates. You are not picking your feet up, but are self-propelling by either slaloming or by weaving your feet to maintain a decent speed. Ideally, you use your left foot to "feel" the edge of the track or use your peripheral vision out of your left eye to make sure you are holding that inside line.

Some common mistakes are: giving up the inside line in the turns by coming off the line too much (even an inch can be too much depending on your opponent); getting your stance too wide and planted so that you cannot react and regain your derby stance when an opponent hits you from the side or a jammer gets past you; and misjudging a hit and swinging your arms causing you to hit your opponent. Roller derby is not about roller skating because it is not a leisurely jaunt around the rink and most of the time, unless orchestrating the booty block, you should find yourself only on one skate!