Cancer is not a gift

Cancer is not a gift. Cancer is a major event for all who are diagnosed but it brings with it the chance for growth. As hard as treatment can be, many cancer survivors have told me that the experience led them to make important changes in their lives. Many say they now take time to appreciate each new day. They also have learned how to take better care of themselves and value how others care for them. Others draw from their experience to become advocates to improve cancer research, treatment, and care. The two most important things that I've learned as a breast cancer survivor: 1) I had to be involved in my treatment and care; and 2) I can't go back to life and business as usual. I have changed. I feel as if I have faced the enemy called death and lived to tell about it. This may sound melodramatic and/or delusional but it has given me a different perspective on my life and what really matters.

For the most part, my life before cancer was business as usual. I was going about life with my husband, raising Hannah, and living under the illusion that I had all the time in the world to reach my life goals. Most of my activities focused around taking care of others; in fact, I wasn't even on my own list of things to do and people to care for. Then in August 2009, a lump appeared during my breast self-exam and cancer was confirmed in September 2009; the diagnosis was like a brick in the face. The diagnosis of cancer shattered the illusion that I was immortal. Still, the most surprising side effects of cancer is that it has given me more courage than I ever thought possible. My life after cancer is more courageous, more honest and fuller than my life before. After all, time flies when you're having cancer!

Cuck Fancer

This is a picture of the t-shirt I picked up at the Colleges for Cancer Relay for Life last Friday night. Today's tarot card is the Nine of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in satisfaction. I have the self-respect, space or esteem that I need to "bartend" my resources or to live large emotionally. I am confident in and gratified by expressing what is close to my heart or in sharing my happiness like a buffet of joy. I take pleasure and pride in the new order I have created by clean sweeping emotional clutter or in honoring what has meaning. I am empowered by recognition and my gift is contentment. One of the most positive and uplifting cards of the entire deck, the Nine of Chalices shows satisfaction on all levels - emotional, physical, sensual. It is little wonder that most Tarot readers refer to this as the Wish Card, and its appearance is often taken as a sign that, whatever your heart's desire is, it shall be granted in the coming days. It may not be granted exactly as you expected but you can rest assured that you will get what you want.

The Nine of Chalices usually refers to an emotionally fulfilling situation; it shows that joy and happiness are certainly within your grasp, and that you probably already have them. It is a sign to enjoy the abundance of life for as long as it lasts. Feel each of your emotions as if you had never felt any of them before. Take some time to value every person you love - and all those who love you back. See the perfection all around you. On a more physical level, this card signals delight and pleasure, contentment with what you have and a steady foundation for the future. Your worries are all in the past, and you can look forward to a bright future. The Nine of Chalices shows excellent health (sweeeet), though when badly dignified it can often point to an overabundance of physical pleasure that can lead to intoxication and illness. But this is really the only caution of the Nine of Chalices: enjoy life and enjoy living but don't take it too far, because pleasure without regard to the consequences is rapidly lost.

It is rare that the Nine of Chalices refers to a sense of spiritual bliss, since the cards of the spirit are the Swords. But with the Swords suit so full of strife and danger, the Nine of Chalices would look out of place anywhere else but in the Chalices suit. And if you think about it this makes sense, because when the pleasure and contentment of the physical plane is transferred to the spiritual level, it becomes inner peace and harmony with the Universe. The Universe is, after all, the source of all the love and pleasure that flows through the Nine of Chalices into our lives. It only makes sense that we can sometimes follow that river to its source.

Just yesterday, my primary care physician (Dr. Nathan Walker), asked me how I was doing. I told him that I was so fabulous that to be even more fabulous would be a crime! At first he thought I was being sarcastic (me? sarcastic?) but I assured him I feel great and am doing well. I definitely live the "Cuck Fancer" attitude!

The weird dreams continue

Lately, I seem to spend a lot of time in my dreams being angry or upset. It is very vivid and I can feel the intensity of the emotion as if I'm actually experiencing it! The latest dream is that I am at roller derby and I realize that I do not have my shorts (don't worry, I still had my tights, under-armour and padded shorts on). I ask my mother to go to my house and get them out of the dryer. Instead, she sends my grandmother (who died last year). For some reason Gram couldn't find the shorts and came back to yell at me for wasting her time. As I'm trying to tell her to look in the dryer, she drives off leaving me standing there in the parking lot! I was so pissed. So, what does it mean?

To dream that are skating, symbolizes your ability to maintain a balance in your life. You are utilizing your own energy, determination, and will to progress through your life's path and working toward your goal. Alternatively, it may be a metaphor to indicate that you are "skating" over some matter. Perhaps you are tying to avoid some issue or not devoting enough attention to a problem. To dream of your clothes, is symbolic of your public self and how you are perceived. It is indicative of the act you put on in front of others. Clothes are also an indication of your condition and status in life. Thus, if you wear clothes that do not suit you or that you normally would not wear, then it suggests that you are putting up a front and trying to deceive others. The dream may be a pun that something in your life is "unsuitable". It may be a symbol of hypocrisy and being someone that you are not. Alternatively, it could also mean that you are revealing a hidden part of yourself to the world. To dream that you are using a dryer, suggests that you need to start dealing with your emotions. The dream may also signify a dry idea that fails to bring any excitement and thrill.

To see your mother in your dream, represents the nurturing aspect of your own character. Mothers offer shelter, comfort, life, guidance and protection. Some people may have problems freeing themselves from their mothers and are thus seeking their own individuality and development. To see your grandmother in your dream, represents nurturance, protection, and unconditional love. To dream that your car has been taken, indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person. To dream that you are left behind, represents feelings of rejection or not fitting into a group. It may also highlight fears of not being able to keep up. You are questioning your abilities and/or may not be utilizing your full potential. If you left something or someone behind, indicates that you are ready to let go of the past and move forward.

To dream that you are in parking lot, suggests that you need to slow down and take some time to relax from your daily activities. To dream that you are holding or expressing anger, symbolizes frustrations and disappointments in yourself. You tend to repress your negative emotions or project your anger onto others. You need to look within yourself. Being angry in your dream may have been carried over from your waking life. Dreams can function as a safe outlet where you can express your strong and/or negative emotions. You have some suppressed anger and aggression that you have not consciously acknowledged. I have my own thoughts about what this might mean but what does everyone else think?

The Nine of Wands

I'm so bummed that I missed last night's Talk Derby to Me at Radmakers! I "vegged" out on the couch after supper and promptly fell asleep, sleeping right through it! I'm guessing the Herceptin caught up with me. The most common side effects associated with Herceptin are fever, nausea, vomiting, infusion reactions, diarrhea, infections, increased cough, headache, fatigue, shortness of breath, rash, low white and red blood cells, and muscle pain. Luckily, Herceptin is not chemotherapy so it not nearly as harsh. Felt a little tired this morning but went to Speed Skate tonight. I was joined by some of my league mates and found it to be helpful. I'll have to go again!

Today's tarot card was the Nine of Wands. This card suggests that my power today lies in remarkable gratitude. I am not a victim. There are no lost causes. I've been there, done that, and know suffering -- but it's all good. I'm still standing. Can't touch this. Self-pity is an excuse to do nothing. To appeal to sympathy for pity's sake is to seek affirmation of the choice to do nothing. I am empowered by the spirit and support of meaningful experience and I transform with silent resilience. Inner strength, stamina, and the will to go on despite impossible odds are at the center of the Nine of Wands. But this is not the same card of static defense that is found in the Seven of Wands. The Nine of Wands is more of a dynamic defense, and thus it is much more powerful. This card illustrates the aphorism "change is stability". In times of great difficulty and stress, this card show us that you will always have strength to endure if you search for it deep inside of yourself.

You should expect difficulty when this card appears, but you should also expect to find a way to overcome it. Keep your power at the ready and be vigilant for opposition, always ready to defeat it. Identify your own power and be ready to use it in your defense. You should be aware, though, that combat is not always the best answer. Often, waiting is the only way to bring about victory. Beware also of waiting so long that you are still ready to fight long after the conflict has ended. It is often hard to tell whether a period of calm marks the beginning, middle, or the end of a storm. Holding on is admirable, but sometimes it is even more remarkable to let go. This card often marks the final ordeal, the last hill that must be climbed or the last hurdle that must be cleared before the finish line. And it is the last obstacle that usually proves most dangerous, because it is a last ditch effort by whatever forces oppose you to stop you before you reach your goal at last. To surmount this obstacle you have to realize but one thing. You have made it this far, and this obstacle is no different that the others you have already defeated. Great glory lies ahead, so reach down deep inside and give it everything you've got.

Such strength can be found in everyone, though for some reason it only shows itself to us when we need it. The strength to proceed against all odds is not a force that can be invoked, but that must be earned through adversity and challenges of all sorts. It is only available when every other option has been explored, when every stone has been turned, when the fuel gauge is teetering on empty but you still want to try one more time. Then, admist the greatest of darknesses, your inner strength starts to shine, lighting the way to glory. And how brightly that light can shine when you need it to! I like this card. I was just telling someone the other day that I had to decide that cancer didn't get to win and that I could not wallow in self-pity as it is too much of an energy drain!

An Infusion Day

:-( Today is infusion day. The way things are running today at the clinic would make you think it's a Monday! Everything is backed up and nobody in CU can drive in the rain! So, I finally got my labs and saw the doctor (blood work's looking good!) and I'm still waiting for the Herceptin. I've been here for over 2 hours hanging out with Robert Reese from Channel 3 who is also waiting. Apparently his status is no better than mine even though he's on tv! Of course, I do bring treats to the staff when I come. Guess it keeps me in their good graces! Coming to Oncology always freaks me out. Waiting to find out what the labwork says is always nerve-wracking as mine has been such a roller coaster ride. It makes me paranoid, but I'm thrilled with today's report.

You have to think about it this way. When you are told you have cancer, it amounts to being given a death sentence. All sorts of crazy thoughts run through your head. Mine were "Will I live long enough to see Hannah graduate High School? Graduate College? Get married? Watch my grandchildren grow up?". Next you realize that you have just set milestones to meet. Then you dive right into the self-pity. When you finally come up for air, you prepare for your recommended treatment. Then (hopefully) you vow to fight the cancer with all you've got and set out on your survivor's journey. And it can be a tough one. I've only had one instance where I was sure I was dying and that was after the last chemo treatment when I came down with that awful sinus infection. That on top of chemo was almost too much. I never really worried about immune system suppression because I was "powering through" everything. Yeah, wrong! I should have been more careful but even through all this I still think I'm bulletproof! I guess there's something to be said for denial sometimes.

Tonight I will be attending the Colleges for Cancer Relay for Life Survivor's Dinner at the UI. There will be dinner, an opening ceremony and then a survivor's lap to start the relay. I'm happy to participate but I always feel like I'm not doing enough towards the breast cancer fight. I have the best of intentions but can't seem to get it together. Maybe it's still all too fresh?! Hopefully one day soon I can get past the "freshness" of it all and become a more active participant in the fight against breast cancer.

The nodes are clear!

Good news! My mother learned that her lymph nodes are clear of cancer. That's significant because cancer can spread through the body either through the bloodstream or through the lymph nodes. In breast cancer, the breast cancer cells can move into the sentinel lymph nodes and then to other parts of the body. When cancer spreads from one part of the body to another, it is called metastasis. In the TNM system, TNM stands for Tumor, Nodes, and Metastases. Each of these is categorized separately and classified with a number to give the total stage. T Classifies the extent of the primary tumor, and is normally given as T0 through T4. T0 represents a tumor that has not even started to invade the local tissues. This is called "In Situ". T4 on the other hand represents a large primary tumor that has probably invaded other organs by direct extension, and which is usually inoperable. N classifies the amount of regional lymph node involvement. It is important to understand that only the lymph nodes draining the area of the primary tumor are considered in this classification. Involvement of distant lymph nodes is considered to be metastatic disease. The definition of just which lymph nodes are regional depends on the type of cancer. N0 means no lymph node involvement while N4 means extensive involvement. In general more extensive involvement means some combination of more nodes involved, greater enlargement of the involved nodes, and more distant (But still regional) node involvement. M is either M0 if there are no metastases or M1 if there are metastases. I believe that my mother is a T0N0M0, which hopefully means that no chemotherapy is needed. She'll know the answer to that question next week. Yet again, it's hurry up and wait! All of this anxiety is making my weird dreams continue!

The last dream had me and my friend Sharon attending a concert. I asked her to lock my purse in her car so I didn't have to take it into the concert. Well, she didn't lock the car and my purse was stolen along with the money that was in it. I was so angry with her but she didn't seem at all concerned. That just made me even madder! I was stomping around cussing but still no reaction from her! Damn friends! To dream that you lost your purse, denotes loss of power and control of possessions. It also suggests that you may have lost touch with your real identity. To see a parked car in your dream, suggests that you need to turn your efforts and energies elsewhere. You may be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car may symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life. To dream that you lose money, signifies temporary unhappiness in the home and a few setbacks in your affairs. You may be feeling weak, vulnerable, and out of control in your waking life. But to dream that you are at a concert, represents harmony and cooperation in a situation or relationship in your waking life. You are experiencing an uplift in your spirits. To see your childhood friend in your dream, signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities and things were much simpler and carefree. You may be wanting to escape the the pressures and stresses of adulthood. Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned. So, what is this dream telling me? To stop and reevaluate? I am definitely not feeling weak, vulnerable or out-of-control-quite the opposite in fact! I am planning a trip to visit Sharon and Karen soon so perhaps that's the longing for a simpler time? But I'm feeling great and feel like I have returned to a simpler time because of roller derby!

A stolen fan and the Death card

The weird dreams have returned. I was dreaming that someone was trying to steal the fan out of my office. Every time I found it and returned it to my office, it was stolen again. To see a fan in your dream, refers to the changes in your life. It may also signify your need to calm down after a highly charged emotional situation or state. Is this referring to the fire or the changes in my life? Then, today's tarot card was the Death card. The Death card suggests that my alter ego today is the Mover and Shaker, whose superpower for transformation relies on my bargaining ability to make a change. Even though tomorrow is another day, the time for change is now. Know that you can handle it and that you will not be alone in making it happen. Things may not seem to be going your way, but know it may be for the best. It may be time to find a new direction for the better of all, especially you. You've seen the writing on the wall and something's got to give, but it's not too late. You're well-equipped to overcome your fears and step out of your comfort-zone. Make your best efforts to direct the outcome as you wish by acting proactively now, rather than having to react later when it's out of your hands.

When the Death card appears, big changes are heading your way. Usually this change refers to something in your lifestyle; an old attitude or perspective is no longer useful and you have to let go of it. While the Hanged Man was a card of voluntary sacrifice, the Death card is a forced sacrifice - but that does not mean that it is not for your own good. Sometimes you cannot see how your attitudes are hurting you, and when that is true, the Death card is your wake-up call. Death is not simply destruction; it is destruction followed by renewal. Even though one door may have closed, another is opening. Will you have the courage to step through? If so, before you go forward, take a moment to look back. Is there anything that you are carrying with you that is no longer necessary? Let it go now, before you proceed. Are your old attitudes holding you back, or are high expectations constantly disappointing you? Cast them off, or let Death's watery energy wash them away from you. Open yourself and let it strip away all that you no longer need - fear, revenge, intolerance. Flowers cannot bloom if the land is full of weeds which choke the ground, and likewise, your spiritual enlightenment will be held back by doubt and fear. Let them go now or risk having them painfully ripped away when Death inevitably returns.