Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Am I paranoid?

I think I'm becoming paranoid! Paranoia is an unfounded or exaggerated distrust of others, sometimes reaching delusional proportions. Paranoid individuals constantly suspect the motives of those around them, and believe that certain individuals, or people in general, are "out to get them." I don't know if it's caused by the chemo drugs, which mess with your brain, or the cancer itself, because it makes you feel like "less" of a person. If I'm less, then I'm not at my best. If I'm not on top of my game, you might not want me to be a part of your organization or team or what have you. The reason I say this is because there have been a few instances where the paranoia has gotten the better of me. Like when I thought my board of directors was planning to "retreat" without me. Or when I thought I missed an extra roller derby practice because I didn't know about it. Or that my support group deliberately left me out of the group picture. I must qualify this as it is just my crazy thoughts, not that I think anyone has actually done those things. That's why I like Roller Derby, it gives me a chance to prove that I can "derby" with the best of 'em! I am still a "whole" person even though I only have one boob!! I am a person with cancer, not a cancer patient!
Some days I just want to be Tami, Executive Director, Roller Derby Queen and Hannah's Mom, not Tami, breast cancer survivor. It is something I struggle with every day. Living with the paranoid demons in my head that say, "uh oh, your back hurts, must be the cancer" or uh oh, your nose is bleeding, must be the cancer". Sometimes its hard to live day-to-day once you've been diagnosed with a potentially terminal illness. But I'm learning and my priorities are shifting. I have yet to discover where this journey will take me.
Tomorrow is my last chemo! YEAH :-) Maybe once the cancer drugs get out of my system, I'll stop being so damn paranoid. Tonight was Roller Derby practice and Steroid Queen here was tearing it up in my Rocky Horror Picture Show t-shirt! So I'm gearing up for tomorrow and am actually less anxious than usual - probably because it is the last round of chemo and because of derby practice, which makes me feel "alive". Besides I am kickin' cancer's ass!

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